1. |
Doubt
04:03
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When she tell me that she loves me
there's a pause that means in spite of everything
and I know she really does but that I'm not the man that I swore I would be
And the questions that I’ve asked, they are the source of my undoing
but I can't decide between a lie and that black nothing
The questions I’ve unearthed but can't rebury, diminish everything
but it feels like such a cop-out just to banish disbelief
But at night when she's asleep
and I am terrified of my own questioning
I wonder if I have created emptiness
where there used to be something
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2. |
Remember Me
03:37
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To those who remain I can almost say I hold no grudge
As everyone who stayed cannot be blamed for the years I spent in the dark
So I hope you will remember me
The way I used to be
With a heart that could still
Be forgiven
I might be a little bit jealous of the home you’ve built for yourself
The roof is leaking, the floor is flooded
And this doesn’t feel like home
I hope you will remember me
The way I used to be
With a heart that could still
Be forgiven
Lies do not depreciate love
And I will not deny that there are things that I have come to hate about myself on the other side
Of this divide
Wish I could return from exile
triumphant bathed in sun
But they years they tend to harden a mans heart
They years dry you up
I hope you will remember me
The way I used to be
with a heart that could still
Be Unbroken
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3. |
Untitled/Drone/Blood
12:58
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Will I lie to my son, like my father lied to me
or to myself eternally
and when the guilt is too much for me to carry
will i kneel before this, our family tree
and I swear I won't be
made a fool of again
I have a head that spins with questions
have some nerve to call that sin
and they say you can't be doubted
is that just because
you don't stand up to being questioned
sometimes I feel lonely on the most crowded of streets
knowing that the skies that were so full must now be empty
with no mystic fog to wrap itself around me
and everyone I see
And I swear I won't be
made a fool of again
I have a head that spins with questions
have some nerve to call that sin
and they say you can't be doubted
isn’t that just because
you don't stand up to being questioned
I am afraid that I might let my fear get the best of me.
hope the years rest gracefully around me
hope I get sober before somebody makes me
someday I want a daughter who loves me unconditionally
But I hope I tell her
never sacrifice your mind for what comes easy.
What comes easy?
Part 2 Drone/Blood
The air that you breathe is full of words that have no meaning
And the blood that fills your mouth it is not Christ it is not cleansing
From open veins of fallen foes that you are
Still consuming
(still consuming)
Only made up gods have chosen sons
Only bullshit laws let you fuck everyone standing in your way
And the truths you hold so dear, they are not love but fear and hatred
And the history that you deny will just be repeated
(be repeated)
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4. |
Half Truths
03:42
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I always hedge my bets with you
I sworn thing that I knew could not be true
Even though I tried to make a home out of you
You made me a fool
I lit candles to stay off this coming dark
That you always knew would someday cloud my heart
Even though tried, to make a home with you
You made me a fool
Now old friends haunt my dreams
My own ghost makes me scream in my sleep
No Don’t leave me here
Don’t leave me a fool
I gave too many years to you
Twenty years half measured, mortgaged, miss-used
Guess I just put too stock in you
Faith eased that burden of proof, that I should have laid on you
Even though I tried
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5. |
I'd Rather Die
03:06
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I could have believed everything they told me
I would have bought everything they tried to sell me on
But you told me
Run away from everything that feels like bullshit
You said, son, use your head, don’t ignore it
I could be waving a flag somewhere, I could be dumb, complacent
Or live inside some box, so blind, so blessed, so fucking happy
But you told me
Run away from everything that feels like bullshit
You said, son, use your head, don’t ignore it
I am so afraid to die without knowing what the point is
But all I have is blood and ink, so pour me out, I am anointed
And you told me
run away from everything that feels like bullshit
I would rather die than live inside some lie, worship some piece of sky
Your god is a satellite
Your god is a satellite
And I would rather die.
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6. |
Someday Soon
06:09
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It ain’t a white light, just a black night, and a long flight to nowhere
I feel her cold claws, blood filled warm jaws, death’s the one law I still follow
It’ll be an empty dawn, when my last breath is drawn
there is nothing beyond this hollow earth
And I’m afraid that every one know has seen right through me for years
Or that everyone I have ever loved has loved someone else in my place
And that by opening my mouth to speak I will break everything
I will break everything
I cut myself from the vine, figure it’s about time I quite lying to everyone I love
I’ve worked so hard for years, held off my mother’s tears, all of her worst fears grown and multiplying
I could suspend disbelief, delay all this grief, but I’m think that faith has already dulled all my senses
I’m afraid that everyone I know has seen right through me for years
Or that everyone I’ve ever loved has loved someone else in my place
And that by opening my mouth to speak I will break everything
I will break everything
So take me on the long way home
70 something years with rusting bones
Minute after minute I wait just to know
there was nothing past this lead and stone
no, there never was hope
And on lonesome nights, after blood drawn fights, I wonder if I should die so far from home
But then she calms me down, makes me watch the ground that I once stood as it floats into the sea
Your plastic blood and fire, your whole earth’s desire to find yourself some wrathful holy end
But life is a finite thing, no angles sing, the skies won’t open up to bring you home
It’s just one last breath, one last truth called death, then return to the soil just like your father
and i’m afraid everyone i know has seen right through me for years or that everyone that i have ever loved has loved someone else in my place and that by opening my mouth to speak i will break everything.
i will break everything.
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7. |
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Lines from a bitter heart
After years of decay
And I’m swimming through memories
Between range and shame
Put your cross to my back
Leave my weight with the earth
Forget life beyond the shadows
Or pain that echos through the dirt
feels like every drug I’ve quit leaves a little hole
just like everyone I’ve ever left makes me feel
A little less than I did five years ago
A little less than everything that I’ve been told
I feel alone in my own skin for the first time
Just a body made of bones
Sliding forward towards emptiness, the void, that most certain unknown
Cast my eyes back downwards, watch my feel slip from the road
Think on my father’s sense for direction
How he always seems to know where he should go
feels like every drug I’ve quit leaves a little hole
just like everyone I’ve ever left makes me feel
A little less than I did five years ago
A little less than everything that I’ve been told
From here I guess I’ll go alone
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Grey Waves Seattle, Washington
#guillotine2024
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